Journeying toward Perfection

I really hate it when someone cuts in the line before me. It takes a lot of self-control to keep myself from dodging or pushing the person in front of me who texts or uses her (yes, most of the time it’s a girl) phone in the middle of the road at rush hour. Many times when I encounter rude or difficult people, I am amazed at how despite all the unlovable-ness of these people, someone would be able to love them and be patient with them. But then I would remember that the One who loved these people the most is Jesus – to the point that He died for them even when they didn’t deserve it or even know it.

Then I would remember that He also died for me and I also didn’t deserve it. And with a snap of a finger the truth slaps me in the face – more times than I care to admit, I have been the rude or the difficult one.

Before Christ, I was a paradox of a person. I was a nice, good girl but I would secretly destroy my cousins’ stuff when I get too annoyed with them. I was an achiever in school but drowning in self pity, always feeling that I didn’t belong. I was always the people pleaser, but in conflicts at home I wouldn’t listen to my sibling’s side of the story. I was one confused, lost pastor’s kid.

It’s true enough that one cannot be born a Christian. One has to be born again. I remember kneeling with Mama and accepting Jesus in my heart when I was around four years old, but it was only at a TANEPABAC youth camp when I was 10 that I truly came to understand what having a relationship with Jesus means.

A nice, good girl who would secretly destroy your stuff when she gets too annoyed with you 😄

Always the competitive kid

Often the top honor but never quite felt she belonged

Maybe the bangs didn’t help at all in boosting self-esteem 😄

Ever since then, my life has changed little by little. I joined cell groups at Tarlac First Baptist Church when I was in high school and at Doulos for Christ when I was in college until well into my adulthood. Gradually I found my identity in Christ and not in my achievements or possessions (or the lack of it) – not even in my friends or social status. It’s the personal encounters and intimate quiet times as much as the big gatherings that God used to change me. I received healing from rejection as I learned that Christ died so that I would be accepted in God’s family. I realized the utmost value of loving my family and being a reflection of God’s love to them.

Definitely improved in relating with my siblings, but there’s still room for growth

There is still so much to be done in me. I am still a work in progress. But now I can hold on to the truth that in my weakness Christ makes me strong. In my weakness, He is my strength. Now that I am in Christ, there is joy in knowing that I am journeying toward perfection when He comes again.

I still hate it when someone cuts in the line before me. It still takes a lot of self-control to keep myself from dodging or pushing the person in front of me who texts or uses her (yes, most of the time it’s a girl) phone in the middle of the road at rush hour. But, as fleeting yet striking as a snap of a finger, I am being reminded that they are loved just as I am, needing compassion as much as I do. Even people whom I look up to, people I love, people who seem perfect to me – in Christ, they are journeying toward perfection just the way I am. When I think of it this way, it becomes a little less harder to understand, to be patient and kind, and to give grace, even forgiveness. It becomes easier to love harder.

Uncertainties Mean Possibilities

It’s been more than half a month since the second quarter of the year kicked off but I’m still not certain about how this year would go for me and my new little family. It’s good that we have God to rely on, and to be reminded every now and then that even if we are not certain of what lies ahead, God is. He is sitting on His throne, in authority and in control!

Also, I got reminded of this article I wrote for the 2021 Cherry on Top magazine about uncertainties being possibilities. Sharing it with you on this blog post. Shout out to my teammate Patty for the layout! 💜

I get so overwhelmed these past weeks as major changes are looming in the horizon for my career and ministry while new challenges in my health arise one after another. This post serves also as a reminder to myself that uncertainties also mean possibilities. Uncertainties are opportunities for God to move and show His power. It is a reminder to rely constantly upon God – because dependence on Him is how a Christian’s lifestyle should be.

So, instead of worrying and fretting, I challenge myself to focus on God’s love and faithfulness. Instead of succumbing to fear, may I be found singing my praises to God. Through the years He has always been faithful. In the uncertainty of the future, He is our sure hope. He is the Anchor of our souls.

"And the posts of the door were shaken by the voice of him who cried out, and the house was filled with smoke." (Isaiah 6:4)

“They sang so powerfully the doorposts were shaken! Shouldn’t we sing with the same passion, the same heart, the same intensity? Do those angels have more to thank and praise God for than we do?” – David Guzik, Enduring Word

Resurrection Sunday: Because Jesus died and rose again, we have a sure hope. 💖

Resurrection Sunday: Because Jesus died and rose again, we have a sure hope. 💖

First Note as Danstan’s Mom

“Do you know what it means to be a good parent? It’s staying healthy for a long time.” This quote from the Netflix Kdrama Hometown Cha Cha Cha stuck with me particularly because it echoes my years-long prayer to be able to meet my grandchildren. Growing up, I didn’t get to know and bond with my grandparents. My parents weren’t able to stay around either to meet my children. Far fetched as it is, this desire to meet my grandchildren grew even stronger when we found out that, months after we lost our twins, another baby was on his way.

The pregnancy journey proved difficult for me, though more gracious than the first one. Morning All day sickness, aches in so many parts of my body, mandatory bed rest, loads of antibiotics and other medicines to fight off a batch of infections, and daily insulin injections added to the anxiety of possibly losing another baby. Coming from a place of unanswered prayers with our twins, it’s easy to worry and panic. Each day that passed became an answered prayer, hoping that we’d make it until at least week 37. Coming from a perspective of unanswered prayers, asking God for the bare minimum seemed a leap of faith. Looking back, I realized how God must have laughed at my small faith. And at the same time, I realized how gracious He was in answering my prayers nonetheless. It’s not really about me or my faith, but about Him — His heart for me and His limitless capabilities.

It’s also interesting how God used the book of Ecclesiastes to nurture my soul and spirit throughout my pregnancy. Each day I kept reading, “Everything is meaningless.” But the deeper message couldn’t have been more reassuring: What we have in Jesus and what we look forward to in eternity is more than what this life could offer. There is nothing to lose! It is pleasing and satisfying to receive what we desire in this world and God wants us to enjoy the life He’s given us, but the greater joy is in knowing that whatever happens in this world or in this lifetime cannot compare to what we will experience in eternity with Him. So with this mindset, I hope and pray that I (and Dhan also) can stay around for as long as Danstan (and our other children in the future haha) would need us. But if not, let God’s will be done. As one quote says, we cannot choose how we will die. But we can choose how we live. Let’s choose to live in light of God’s love.

Danstan, you were conceived with a promise. We wept and mourned the loss of your twin brothers, but there is also a time to laugh and a time to dance (Ecclesiastes 3:4). You, Danstan, have brought us laughter; you are our bundle of joy. Your first name means God gifted, exemplar, teacher. Your second name means born of fire, handsome. May you grow as proof that life is God’s gift, and your life is an example and a lesson on His goodness and grace. Of course, my prayer is that you will grow handsome and full of fire 😉😅 Lastly, may your life continue to testify that the Lord is faithful with His promise: He protects; He redeems; He restores.

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“the righteous and the wise and their works are in the hand of God.” – Ecclesiastes 9:1b

Bb, it’s just been over two months when I wrote this post, but it feels like I’ve known you forever. I love you each and every day 💜💚

Forever Sunshine

On my birthday some weeks ago, my Doulos Media friends gave me a sunflower bouquet along with my newfound-favorite cake and some food. The food delighted me (of course! Favorite cake + favorite ulam — how did you know, MM friends?! Haha). But the sunflower touched my heart. It was not the first time they gifted me sunflowers, however. And it wasn’t the first time it held so much meaning.

Sunflowers used to remind me of my sunshine friends. In fact, it sort of became a symbol of our friendship. But during perhaps the lowest moment of my life, a friend who’s like a brother to me surprised me with a sunflower in a pot on my birthday. I don’t remember if I shed tears that day. It was my first plant, a sunflower! After just losing a baby and another one in critical condition at that time, it felt like a challenge. Could I really take care of another life besides my own?

It looked so perfect to me 🤩

Fast forward to a few days. I remember bringing my plant outside for some sunshine. But then I had to pump milk for my NICU baby. I rushed inside and told The Husband to watch over my sunflower. Lo and behold, a few minutes later it was gone. It was New Year’s Day.

I spent the rest of January 1 looking for my dear plant, my one and only plant, asking passersby whether they’ve seen it or anyone who took it. By the afternoon I bursted into tears. Funny now how I cried over a pot of sunflower. But on that day I felt cheated. I felt everything is being taken away from me. How dare anyone rob someone who just lost her baby? I tried hard not to question God, but sometimes I just couldn’t help but wonder why it seems like I just lose everything — my parents, my babies, and that sunflower.

Another dear friend gave me a sunflower (on a pot again! Haha) for Valentine’s Day a month later. It served as a deep consolation for the first one I lost and for a time when the doctors told us that our other twin baby wouldn’t make it. I told myself that this time there’s no leaving the sunflower outside and this time, this sunflower will live! A few days later, my baby died. Then the sunflower, despite all the care, died, too.

“To the strongest ate I know.” Can’t get any sweeter than that 💜 And, multiple sunflower heads! 🤩

There’s no leaving this sunflower outside! It ain’t going anywhere! 😅

I always knew that God would use me not just to help other people but to bring new life to the world. But at that moment I doubted it. I doubted whether I could make plants live, let alone make a baby live. I wondered if I would lose another dear something or someone soon along the way. I thought, maybe something could be wrong with me such that God would take these precious ones from me. The pain felt unbearable. There were days when my thoughts drowned me and nights when tears choked me. Somehow I yearned for heaven, where I could see my twins and my parents once again. I cried to the Lord that I couldn’t bear any more losses.

God met me in my situation. No; rather, He stayed with me through my afflictions. I felt the pain and the grief and the yearning, but I also felt His comfort. I received rest in His presence and allowed Him to help me see the goodness that remains around me. He is still good. He still makes miracles — if we can call miracles the way He amazingly moves in the lives of people. He may not bring my twins back to life, but He is still the Author of life. He is the Life. And on a field of sunflowers, while The Husband and I were vacationing away from the noise of the city and the busyness, it dawned on me so clearly — I may lose one or two or many, but in Christ I have everything. Everything I have comes from Him. Everything I have is His, and He gives them to me out of love. If He takes something away, it doesn’t mean He loves me less or He’s punishing me. It means He sees the good that the pain can bring me. And if He takes something, He can give something else. Something more. Even if I lose everything, but still have Him, I have enough. He is enough. He is the One Thing that nothing or no one else can take away

Made for Another World

If many different things all happen to point you to one specific thing, isn’t it a sign to do something about it? Attempting so many times but still falling short, I don’t think I can bring myself to talk again about loved ones who have gone too soon. I seem to be getting better at writing eulogies for family members in heaven, and I’m not sure if I’m happy about that. Haha! It’s a little too painful. But somehow, in this time when many people lost someone, there could be some comfort for me and for my dear readers in opening up about a touchpoint such as the loss of a loved one.

I really would have wanted to write my backlog blog posts on a chronological order — getting engaged, enjoying our wedding, being married, etc. But let’s skip all that and get to a major milestone: we got pregnant and gave birth to twin boys. And then we lost them. Dustin we lost two hours after birth, and Gian two months later. It is still painful to go through the detailed memories, but I can testify that God’s grace definitely saw us through “the valley of the shadow of death” and comforted us.

Dustin and Gian may have lived extremely short lives, but we will always remember them as the giver and the warrior. Dustin gave everything to his twin brother even if it meant barely having anything left for himself. Our OB said he’s the stronger twin; that is why he kept on giving to his brother. Gian fought hard for life until the end. He only had a short comfortable snuggle with his mom due to strict protocols in the NICU, but in those two months he’s been surrounded by angels who loved him and cared for him nonetheless.

I think there’s little use imagining what Dustin’s life or Gian’s life could have been, because it is not in the plan of God. We prayed hard for God’s will; no other plan or will could have been better. They are in heaven; they’re in the best place they could be. They may have lived extremely short lives, but they already made a significant impact in our lives. The best way to honor their lives is to make their memories a joy and an inspiration, not a source of grief.

Thinking about it a lot of times over, I learned that it’s not about the length of our lives; it’s about our impact and legacy. As John Piper once wrote, “Two minutes is not that much different from seventy years when you consider forever.” In the short time that we’d had Dustin and Gian, they have taught us a lot. And one of it is that we were not made for this world; we were created for eternity. No matter how long or how short our lives are, the bigger question is what we are doing in this life that will impact our eternity. And the bottom line still is: It’s all about Jesus.

Our “family picture” while admitted in the hospital and fighting to save our twins 💜💚

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“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” — C.S. Lewis

Dear Accountability Partner

Hello there!

So many things happened since the last time I posted in October 2020 that I do not really know how to blog them all at once. Haha! But first, let me share to you that I have been doing early morning walks and workouts almost every day for more than a week now. Let’s write it down here so we’ll be “forced” to keep going with it. Haha! The fats haven’t disappeared yet (maybe they weren’t supposed to after only a few days of exercise. It’s not magic, right? Haha) but I can say I sleep more soundly and feel a lot better because of the workout. I personally find it a big avenue for me to release negative energy whenever I feel frustrated, anxious, or unaccomplished. The morning walks also provide me a change in scenery and an hour or more to meditate. Of course, the big pusher behind all this is The Husband, who since Day One has been reminding me to get healthy for our future babies. Aside from that, I am always so grateful to my best friend and accountability partner for encouraging me and not judging how it took me so long before deciding to workout. Haha! Sha, I really am thankful for your life — for allowing me and many others to learn from you and be inspired by your bias to action.

So, in order to make this blog more worth reading (read: less about me haha), I’ll be sharing some of the other things I picked up from Sha aside from running — whether she intentionally wanted to teach them to me or not 😉

Her friends and followers can learn a thing or two from so many things Sharyl has been sharing on her Stories. This one stuck with me, too! 😅

What’s emotional permission? Got it from Sha 😃

Face the facts! Real talk right there 👌

Being there for your people — even if it means going out of your way and getting all stressed running around. Making decisions and sticking by them no matter how challenging.

Sha,

For almost 14 years, you’ve been teaching me a lot — more than I would care to admit. Thank you for being one of my iron ladies. I learn a lot whenever you speak, but at times when it really matter, I receive more when you listen. Your silence speaks volumes, and it means a lot to know you care and you’re listening.

To my best friend and accountability partner — I look up to you, and I believe that the Lord will bring you to even greater heights. Keep learning, keep sharing, and keep inspiring. You are a tremendous blessing. Don’t let anything keep you from shining! ✨

One of my moody days in SG, and you’re gracious enough not to call me out on it 😅

Can You Handle It

Howdy! Thanks to an encouragement from a fellow writer, I finally got the much needed push to kickstart this blog again. Haha. I’m sorry for the hiatus in my posting. Just a major update: The Boyfriend has finally been promoted to The Husband early in 2020 before this year shook us to our very core. Now that’s a major breakthrough! 😃

Let me start the updating with this. The Husband and I moved houses following our much awaited wedding. And since a new home would always mean a new set of keys, I endeavored to look for my vast collection of key chains. I chanced upon this beloved bag that used to accompany me every day for two years (yes, two years. I’m faithful like that haha) and, lo and behold, I found at least four key chains waiting for their turn to fulfill their purpose.

Four key chains in a bag that I carried with me for two years. Hah! 😂

At first glance I already knew which one to pick. While I don’t fully remember who gave the SG souvenir key chains (sorry, friends! I still treasure our friendship), I can still vividly recall the story behind this cutie key chain from Tom’s World.

It was my birthday and after an unli samgyeopsal lunch we decided to go to the arcade. We tried the coin pusher machine out of fun and were totally amazed that it churns out tickets without us making any effort! Haha. I was not used to hoarding a lot of tickets whenever I go to the arcade, so I was thrilled and wished for the machine to keep throwing out tickets. We were joking each other that we will just wait till all the tickets in that machine come out. Effortless! We will use all of it to buy the biggest prize displayed in the counter.

But when the machine really did go on and on, I started to feel overwhelmed. Maybe I was just not used to earning too many arcade tickets or maybe that really was just the way coin pushers were supposed to work, but in my gut something felt wrong. It took my siblings and me a few minutes before we decided to call the arcade maintenance. We were laughing the entire time about how the four of us were so unsure of (and definitely not used to!) having so many arcade tickets. We didn’t know what to do.

Then it got me thinking, what if this bounty happens in real life? What if so much blessings — jaw-dropping financial increase, promotion after promotion, fast-growing power and/or influence, and popularity in a snap of a finger — suddenly came to me? I’m more than sure that I’d be as overwhelmed and clueless as I was back in front of the coin pusher.

It got me thinking that maybe sometimes God doesn’t give me what I ask because I’m not ready for it. Either I’m not prudent enough to anticipate the future or I simply didn’t believe it would happen. This might be the reason some people say, “Be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it all” — even the parts that you would not be able to handle. In that situation, you might be overwhelmed and eaten up, or you might become blinded and use the advantage the wrong way.

Sure enough, the Lord has been preparing great and amazing things for His children. Jaw-dropping, mind-blowing events will come our way! That is why we cannot be complacent and careless. We are called to share the greatness of Him who called us out of darkness into His marvelous light. Holding on to His promises, we must always anticipate His power to manifest in us. We have to prepare and keep doing our best so that we would not be overwhelmed and clueless when it comes.

Most importantly, we always have to be grounded, valuing our integrity. Nothing destroys greatness as much as pride and flawed character. The best antidote to self-centeredness is staying connected to the Source of all good things and acknowledging that it all comes from Him.

Back to the arcade story: We decided to use some of the tickets to buy something for us siblings — two sets of identical key chains. This cutie key chain of mine becomes a reminder for to be calm when great, overflowing, churning-out-of-the-machine things happen — whether it be a key to new home, a key to a new car, or a key to a whole new level of living. In the first place, if we’re children of the Owner of the whole universe, great things are destined to happen to our lives, isn’t it? 💜

From Death to Life

What would it be like if the person you long for the most would come back to life? This thought came across my mind when I saw a teaser for the Netflix series “Manifest.” The main character and two of her family members went missing and were presumed dead for five years. When their plane finally landed, life has long moved on for the rest of their family and loved ones. Of course the storyline of the series is a different story altogether, but it got me thinking on the other POV of the story: what if my loved ones, who I knew and believed passed away more than five years ago, were actually alive?

I’ve had many dreams in different variations of Papa or Mama (sometimes both of them) still living with us, addressing our current challenges and situations like they would were they alive in the present. Oftentimes it would bring me to tears. It made me think that having my parents back for real will certainly change my life. I might be living in a different city with a different job, maybe even with a different outlook in life and different priorities. Definitely, having my parents back alive would drastically change my life decisions.

Sharing the same sentiment with my sister ❤

But thinking about it many times over, I realized that there indeed was a significant One who came back to life for me. There was One who paid the price for all my failures with His life. There is Jesus, who died so that I might be forgiven, accepted, and healed. He died so I can have a new life.

I remember the lyrics of a song that brought me to tears during worship:

Death could not hold You, the veil tore before You
You silenced the boast of sin and grave
The heavens are roaring the praise of Your glory
For You are raised to life again

And this from another song titled Grace to Grace:

When I see that cross, I see freedom
When I see that grave, I’ll see Jesus
And from death to life, I will sing Your praise
In the wonder of Your grace

Family members and loved ones may not be able to come back to life, but Jesus did. Because Jesus rose from the dead, we can look forward to seeing again our loved ones again who came to believe in Him. It might be a far stretch into the future, but it is a hope we can cling to.

Jesus overcame death and came back to life. Because we have Him, we have enough. Others may come and leave, but He remains the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). He will wipe every tear from our eyes (Revelation 21:4) and save those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). He binds up our wounds (Psalm 147:3), taking up our pain and bearing our suffering (Isaiah 53:4). Because He is with us wherever we go, we can be strong and courageous (Joshua 1:9).

And because He is all these things, together with David we can declare, “Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You” (Psalm 63:3).

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This post was a draft from late 2018. Thank God it finally got published 💜💜 Hoping to get this blog rolling again 😁😁

Sinda, Tinday, at Handom sa Kabuhi

A friend once quoted that we need a little time out from what we usually do in order to keep our sanity. For some time I just thought of it as extravagance, but as I advance in years I come to see it as a need (haha!). That is the reason why volunteer opportunities are indeed a treat to me. It means a refreshing new environment, change of tasks for a few days, new people to meet, and a dozen or so realizations from experiences that are worth keeping. Allow me to share a shortlist of those insights in this post:

1. Live your passion.

In our Be Cool in School activity in Negros, I met a middle-aged man who would talk nonstop about arts and children advocacy. He is passionate for the arts and that is what he teaches to children. He has been doing it for more than 20 years up to the present. And even if he talked to me about it for more than two hours on the ride, there wasn’t even a hint of boredom. Truth is, he inspired me. Insight? If you breathe your passion, it makes you young. And it becomes contagious. Challenges and struggles may come as part of life, but they will just add flame to your burning desire.

2. Love easily.

The bibo kid who is the grand daughter of the inn owner in Kabankalan where we stayed taught me this lesson. It was love at first sight when we arrived at the place and she saw me. Within minutes, she held my hand and led me to our accommodation. She’s like a mini receptionist trainee! Haha.

When her mom came to fetch her, she reached for the door. Before she left, she told me, “I love you!” (Sweet! Haha) Yes, it’s dangerous to be so open to strangers. And yes, it’s a kid’s vulnerability that must be protected. But it is one thing that kids can teach us. They teach us to have childlike faith, and they teach us to love without thinking of conditions, of “if’s” and “but’s”.

3. You can’t help others if you can’t help yourself.

On our third day in Negros, we drove to Don Salvador and started hiking toward a school sitting on top of a mountain. Apparently, we had to cross four mountains to bring school supplies to well-deserved pupils. It was one hike I wasn’t expecting, and one I wasn’t prepared for. We had volunteers who carried boxes of supplies on their backs. We went down slopes, crossed wooden bridges, climbed huge rocks, and climbed (or rather crawled) steep terrains.

The white speck on the upper left of the photo is the destination — the school!

The huge rocks in the river that we had to conquer.

From above, the huge rocks… don’t even look huge at all! See, perspective matters! 😂

I initially didn’t want to pass through the bridge alone (I’m afraid of heights! Huhu) But it seemed like my companions intentionally left me on my own. Besides, the wooden bridge might budge if two people would cross together. So, I decided to cross on my own. Hooray for that victory!

The first wooden bridge.

Here’s the second! 😁

But after crossing the bridge, skipping over huge rocks, and crawling on muddy slopes, I began to feel dizzy. A few more minutes of walking and I felt like vomiting. My companions decided to carry me because my lips were already turning white. At first I resisted but realized that I had to yield. As I sat on the makeshift hammock made of bedsheets, tears flowed down my cheeks. There we were, bringing loads of school supplies to kids of indigenous people. They were carrying bulks of supplies, and they even had to carry an overweight version of me. I was dead weight.

Can you believe it’s me in that blanket?!

It sure is me! 😂 Smiling but crying haha.

This experience left an imprint in my heart. The people around me will always find a way to cope with the circumstances no matter how difficult. But if I want to be part of the solution and not the problem, I have to help myself. I need to be strong and resilient. I must be able to carry myself to the top.

This lesson applies not just in climbing actual mountains but in battling symbolic mountains as well. You cannot help people in need if you are also needy. Aim to be excellent and be at your best so you can use all the resources and all the connections you can get to lift people up from their destitute condition.

Looking back and reminiscing my experiences this year, I know that God did give me a break to refresh me. These insights are not new to me, but the way God “re-taught” them makes it all significant. Social work may not be my battle in life and I may not be able to come back to the communities we helped, but the lesson is powerful: Living a passionless life in your comfort zone with lots of worries and fear — it is not living at all. If I have to do paper work until I can start my own business, and serve my family and win souls and make them disciples, I have to fuse passion and give it my best shot. My efforts have to be significant. That, more than just touring around or hitching in out-of-town outreaches, is a life worth living.

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So what does the title mean, after all? Well, they are Bisaya words that I learned during the volunteer activity.

Sinda = mythical environmental spirit; engkanto in Tagalog. The IP’s who accompanied us believed that my red shirt attracted sinda and caused me physical stress.

Tinday = a young carabao. One funny incident in which this term was uttered was when my teammate slid on a muddy slope and fell. The local guide tried to help but was carried away because my teammate weighed like a tinday! 😂

Handom sa Kabuhi = dream in life. This is the key message we shared to the school kids we visited. Whatever situation they may be in, they must not give up but hold on to their dream ❤